The No Hellos Diet by Sam Pink

Author:Sam Pink [Sam Pink ]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: prose_contemporary
Publisher: Lazy Fascist Press
Published: 2023-03-01T23:53:03+00:00

*

After doing the garbage and going on lunch, you pass time in the main office staring at a list of the month’s birthdays.

Shit, it’s Daisy’s birthday tomorrow.

Who’s Daisy.

Daisy is a nice name.

You consider changing your name to Daisy.

You take the escalator upstairs and go to a remote bathroom unknown to most non-stockroom employees.

It’s your secret bathroom.

Whenever you use it, you feel like you’re being followed, until the overwhelming relief of getting inside and locking the door.

You get inside and just stand there breathing the fake fruit scent from the air freshener.

Today you take off all your clothes and fold them, putting them on the ground next to your feet.

Sometimes you’re only able to shit if completely naked (socks and untied boots still on).

And to the tune of “This Is The Song That Never Ends” you sing, “This Is The Man With No-o Friends”—lightly picking a scab loose on your shin the whole time.

A lot of shit comes out of you.

It lands in a clay pile above the water on a mass of toilet paper someone left in the bowl.

Smells truly sickening.

You sit there, staring at the shitty water.

The walkie talkie on your equipment belt goes on.

“Eyy Billy here, just talked to a customer for a while about potting soil for a while but, um, I’m coming to the backroom now and I’m by the hygiene aisle so I’ll be there up there soon. It’s so hot in the store today isn’t it. Jesus frickin Christ knock it off with the heater, right? Heh heh alright.” The walkie talkie goes off. It comes back on. “Oh one more thing, if anyone needs a lawnmower, I’m try’n sell one. So”—he pauses—“Okee. Wahhh.”

Flushing away the shit, you wonder about when you’ll not be paying attention and end up dying at work — like in a machine, or falling off a ladder, or meeting a vengeful skeleton that has risen from entombment in the concrete of the stockroom floor.

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